Blood, Fire, Death

6 Months Later
Session 8 Recap

After a 6 month nap, the adventurers are finally ready to get back to business. After all, killing is their business and business is mediocre at best.Winter

6 months is a long time. Seasons changed and then changed back again. Loved ones grew old and died. Babies were made and born and grew old and died. Their memories were foggy and grew old and died. Their bellies were rumbley. And perhaps most of all, their blades were thirsty. So, like any good band of killers they got their shit together quick and went in search of hot metal.

Marco led the way down the darkened hallways of the frozen crypt, corpse sled in tow. The group came to a door and perceived a faint voice on the other side. The voice claimed to be the Winter Queen, scorned by the Winter King and asked for help. After much discussion, the group decided it would be best to push Marco through the door to scope the situation. Marco was amazed to see a room of rusty steel cages, some with dead bodies in them. Arvo attempted to be diplomatic with the woman, who was badly hurt. However, he knew magick was afoot and exclaimed “there is magick afoot!”

The woman revealed herself to be Azrinda, sister of Zanna whom the group had slayed 6 months prior. Azrinda was not interested in diplomacy, she only wanted the Ice Septer. The cage doors flew open and the corpses seemed to reanimate themselves. A large Owlbear named Hootie sprang from a cell in a dark corner to come to Azrinda’s rescue. Battle ensued and it was not pretty, for it was a mighty battle and blood flowed deep red like the wines in King Ginger III’s Rivera in Fallcrest.Tumblr lftjmz7p s71qfa70do1 400

After the group got their murder on, they agreed to be more cautious when entering future rooms. They butchered Hootie and threw the carcass on the corpse sled and proceeded to the next room. This frozen room ended up being part of an army barracks and soldiers lined the walls, all frozen in their tracks. A large Ice Dragon hung from the ceiling in the center of the room. Suddenly, Arvo spotted a shiny key dangling from the neck of the beast and knew it must be his.

He used his Mage Hand to take the key from a distance, but the ice encasing the dragon began to crack and suddenly he was upon them. The dragon had been frozen for some time now and was disoriented and hungry. He revealed himself to be the Winter King’s mount. The group was able to convince him that they were on his side and they were sent by the King to retrieve the Ice Key. They sweetened the deal by letting the hungry dragon feast upon Hootie’s fresh carcass. They quickly left and shut the door and let out a collective sigh of relief. They were not interested in battle with the Dragonborn this day.

They proceeded up a set of stairs and came upon another hallway with multiple doors. Laoghaire, being extremely cocksure and perceptive, strutted down the hallway perceiving all that she could perceive. She settled upon a door that had a draft coming out of it. The group had discovered an ancient Dwarven library. Unfortunately, all of the books were weather damaged. Sifting through the soggy mess on the shelves, Laoghaire came across a Minotaur horn with a cork in it. The horn opened with a “pop” and as she sniffed the liquid (as the Grey Fox had taught her) she deduced that it was the Elixir of the Dragon! She could now roast her enemies flames from her breath like a fine game hen on a spit! Hooray!

Arvo seemed to be getting anxious and prompted the group to move on. In the next room, they found the Tiefling named Anger who wielded the Fire Key. Anger inflamed a couple of skeletons and unleashed a large ogre that was chained to the wall. Laoghaire fell into the cold forge. Arvo stood in the doorway and only used spells when he had a perfect line of sight. Gunther backstabbed and backstabbed some more.Caorawl was able to bide his time behind a stack of barrels, only to unleash his fury at the perfect moment. He sprang from the barrels like “Superfly” Jimmy Snuka, World Champion of the Harkenwald Wrestling Circuit, sprang from the top of the steel cage in his match with The Magnificent Muraco.Untitled

After the fight, Arvo picked up the Fire Key and exclaimed “Ouch, you cunt!” The key was hot to the touch so he used his mage key to carry it since he always has an answer to everything. A disagreement over which way to proceed started and there was even discussion of splitting the party for a moment. Caorawl insisted on somersaulting through one door and discovered a guard’s room on the other side with a large frozen gong in it. He tried to somersault through the next door, but it was just too frozen and he bashed his face on the door and flew backwards with a loud yelp. At this point, I believe the group just kicked the door in and found a frozen office-like room.

Arvo was not happy with the lack of booty in these rooms and urged the gang to return to the frozen doors of the Dwarven temple. They agreed and used the Ice and Fire keys to open the doors. A ghost of Dwarven priest stood up from a corpse and bowed to them before disappearing. Suddenly, the group felt orgasmic tremors come over them and all of their healing surges were returned!

The adventurers were not ready to finish the fight. They charged out of the temple and up a nearby set of stairs into a kitchen. They came face to face with a human and 3 Dwarves who were scavenging for food. The Dwares gathered for a whispered conversations, occasionally shooting suspicious looks towards the adventurers. Arvo attempted to reason with them and said that they had been frozen and were merely looking for food also. A Dwarf whispered to the human. The human said the the Dwarves remembered who they had been frozen with and the adventurers had not been there before. Arvo was caught in his dirty, cheap lies once again.Varg virkenes

A fight broke out. Caorawl cried as he slayed his brethren. The human turned out to be versed in the ways of magick also and turned Laoghaire into a piglet! She scurried afoot while the rest of the group mounted an offense. Arvo, careful to use his line of sight, launched magic missiles. Gunther backstabbed and bumped AND ran. Caorawl hacked the Dwares to death with is Fire Axe and pushed a female Dwarf down a set of stairs where she tumbled to her death. Caorawl cried some more as he looked at her mangled corpse. Laoghaire returned to form just as the group decided to dispose of the bodies in the large refuse pit. As they got close to the pit, a large and smiley black tentacle sprang from the depths of hell and pulled Laoghaire and Gunther into the pit where they took 1d8 garbage pit damage. It took the rest of the group to pull them free using the rope in their Adventurer’s Kits™.

Bruised, but not broken, they forged on. For final conflict with the Winter King himself was coming…

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Tits and Corpse Sleds
Session 7 Recap

PhotoGunther attempted to sneak through the large wooden doors at the end of the cavern but was immediatly spotted by the hunting hounds inside the room. The room was bright and warm and Gunther was welcomed by a man claiming to be the Winter King and his large breasted lover named Zanna. He said that Gunther and company were more than welcome to come out of the cold and dine with him and Zanna and sleep in the 4 empty beds he had.

As usual, Laoghaire wasted no time pissing off the inhabitants of the room. She rested her boot on the table, stabbed a quail with her dagger, took a bite, spit it out and demanded that this dude tell her what was up. The man, revealed to be Bortek, took offense to this and a fight broke out when Zanna attempted to bedazzle Gunther with her breasts and the hunting hounds morphed into large direwolves.

Caorawl rushed in and jumped on the table and started swinging his axe with wreckless abandon. Arvo cowered outside of the door until he felt it was safe to unleash the fury of the ice scepter. Marco brought up the rear because he was slowed down by all of the weight in his pack. The group fought with military precision this time and surrounded their targets to gain combat advantage. The fight was long and hard, just like Gunther’s boner for Zanna’s boobs. Laoghaire found a set of Elven armor in the wolf pen.

Afterwards, Gunther insisted that the group sleep in those warm beds. Unfortunately, they were full of evil magic and every member of the group had horrible nightmares of freezing to death. Upon waking, they did not feel rested at all. Arvo was pissed.

The group exited the room and descended a long tunnel into a great dwarven dining hall. Arvo was familiar with the history of the dwarven kingdom of Moradin and filled the group in. Laoghaire heard some rustling and clanking sounds coming from the top of a staircase that was at the far end of the dining hall. After a long discussion about which way to go, the group decided to play it safe and go through a set of doors that were frozen solid.

Once indside this narrow hall, the ghost of a dwarven priest was spotted mouthing the words “ice” and “key” in the dwarven tongue. Arvo remembered the history of the priests of Moradin whom the Winter King froze alive inside of the temple in order to placate the Price of Frost who had cursed the Winter King with the ice touch in punishment for the King’s arrogance and lust for power.

Pressing on, every memeber of the group sucessfully tip-toed across a dark hall to a door that was slightly ajar. No one could see inside though and they decided to just rush in. The small room was the obvious lab of an alchemist and was strewn with notes and broken viles. Searching around, Gunther found 3 frozen healing potions. Before leaving, the group noticed the frozen corpse of the alchemist cowered in the corner of the room. Without hesistation it was decided that the corpse must be taken. A crude sled was constructed so the already burdened Marco could pull the corpse along.

The ice corpse immediatly came in handy as the group decided to use it as a battering ram to break down a nearby set of double doors. When the doors burst open, frost instantly spread like wildfire all througout the room and the group was deafened by the babbling nonsense being screamed by the 3 Mad Wraiths that dwelled within…

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When Someone Asks You if You’re a God, You Say “YES”!
Session 6 Recap

GhostbustersWhile basking in the glory of another bloodsoaked victory, the group recieves a message from Lord Padraig of Winterhaven. He requests that the group investigate an unnatural winter storm that has beset the city of Fallcrest. He included 2,000 gold pieces with the message to intince the group to take this quest.

The group agreed and went to the local post office to send a letter of acceptance via registered and certified Raven to Lord Padraig. After Arvo confirmed that this was indeed the best way to send mail in Harkenwold the group set out for Fallcrest. Arvo was very excited to check in on his BFF, King Ginger III.

The storm worsened as the group got closer to Fallcrest and they arrived to find the city virtually abandoned save for some citizens crowded around bonfires and tents down by the river. Lord Warden Faren Markelhay was trying to calm the crowd who had become rowdy after being cold and hungry for a number of weeks at this point. Laoghaire took it upon herself to push the Warden out of the way and deliver her own speech to the crowd. Insults were hurled in response. Arvo overheard some talk of religion being the cause of the suffering and deduced that this was indeed some type of evil magic.

With a thunderous rumble a ship full of zombies and skeletons fell from the sky and loosed and unspeakable horror on the camp. Thus began a long, long, excruciatingly painful battle. To sum it up: Laoghaire was knocked unconscious (Kara got mad), Caorawl was knocked unconscious (AB couldn’t roll above a 3), Arvo tried to jump over a fire and fell in it and Gunther almost died, but eventually made his way onto the ship for protection.

The ship WAS PISSED. The dragon mast head appeared to come to life and ask ”Do you have the ice sceptor of the Winter King?!” to everyone that came close to it. While the group lied and said they did in order to board, they eventually found a shady looking half-elf (Marco) in the crowd who did have it. Gunther lassoed him and Laoghaire sliced open his cheek with her daggar in order to intimidate him. Though hardpressed, Marco still would not give up his secrets. The group drug him into a nearby tent and the Lord Warden intervened just in time to save the poor half-elf from some type of waterboarding/gang rape torture that was about to take place.

After some shenanigans boarding the ship in which the group realized Marco had the ice sceptor in his bag the entire time, they were off to the Frostjaw Peaks and the realm of the Winter King. The journey was rough and Gunther got seasick and had to lay down. Marco took his place at the oars. Ropes snapped and sails need luffing, but the group pressed on through the extreme cold. Giant hail and funnel clouds eventually knocked Caorawil overboard. He easily pulled himself back up with his natural athlectic abilities.

The ship landed at the base of the Cairn of the Winter King and Marco FREAKED OUT. Somebody slapped him in the face and told him to stop being a pussy and lead the group into the caverns. After venturing a mere 20 ft. into the cold, dark cave the group came to a large set of wooden doors encrusted in ice. With a mighty headbutt, Caowal was able to shatter the ice from the door. Perceptivly, Laoghaire used her percetive perception to percieve the faint smell of smoke coming from inside…

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Gunther’s Golden Shower
Session 5 Recap

Dungeons1The group headed back to Albridge to meet with the War Council about the impending battle with the Iron Circle. The council consisted of chrasmatic members of society who had come to lead the various factions of remaining peoples in the city (Nocturno Culto, Rufio, Slayer Slaytanicus, Bjork and Lefthann). After much convincing, the council agreed to let the adventurers lead the people into battle. The group had a rowdy night at the local tavern in which Caorawl gave an energetic speech declaring that murder was the secret of life.

After a night’s rest, the battle began in the steets was a Frost Giant was led into the town center by a group of Iron Circle mercinaries. Arvo was very scared and mostly hid behind things and ducked behind a bridge only popping out to unleash his magic missile. Caorawl thought of the brillant idea to use the town’s sewer system to stay out of sight. He also made 2 shivs out of the sewer grates which I am sure will come in handy at a later date. After slaying the Frost Giant, the group had to take on more mercenaries and a large Purple Dragon. Laohaire lassoed the dragon and rode it around for a bit while Gunter crawled around in the sewers. The Iron Circle was not happy about the sewer situation and proceeded to surround Gunter and piss all over him doing 8 points of piss damage. This went on for a bit…

After the Iron Circle was defeated and their numbers were depleted, the only thing left to do was rescue Baron Stockheimer from the Iron Keep. The Keep was impenatrable, so the group had to come up with a clever way to penetrate it. Arvo animated a dead Iron Circle soldier to drive a supply cart to the Keep while the group hid in the back. Gunther was to pose as his boy-servent. The Skeleton guards, were not having any of Arvo’s lip service, but Laohaire successfully bribed one of them with an emrald, which the Skeleton caught in his teeth.

Now inside the Keep, the group decided to split up in order to cover more ground. Arvo and Gunter went the mess hall posed as Iron Circle and asked a couple of dudes for information. The dudes patience wore thin, so Arvo magic missiled them and then Gunther burned their bodies in the fire place. Meanwhile, Caorawl and Laohaire nabbed a guard, fed him magic mushrooms and proceeded to water board him in a supply closet until he gave up the location of Baron Stockheimer.

With the location in hand, the group set off for the tallest structure in the keep. They fought their way up “Die Hard” style in which the slayed many dudes and even a Dragonborn guard. At the top they came face to face with Nazin Redthorn. Redthorn was using some wicked Pink magic and made the room expand and catch on fire(pink fire). The group threw down and proved that Nazin was no match for their piss covered blades and drug induced hysteria. After Nazin was dead, the pink magic lifted and group spent so much time looting the room that Baron Stockheimer died in the corner from his wounds.

Even thought their beloved leader died, the people of Albridge were still happy to see the Iron Circle vanquished. Life went back to normal. A few weeks later, the group was back in the tavern when a tall rider in all black, with a deep red cloak arrived with a special message for them. The rider threw a bloodsoaked burlap sack through the tavern window and exclaimed “Greetings from the Crimson Lord!” and then rode away. Inside the bag was Reithann’s severed head…

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Caorawl Almost Dies
Session 4 Recap

BlahThe group awakens to find that Caorawl has rejoined them in Toadswallow Caverns. Upon exiting they encounter a Bullywog hunting party with a halfling child prisoner. The battle was long and fierce, but afterwards there was a tender moment as Gunther tried to console the scared halfling child. The group then decided to knock out the child, put him in the cart with the mule (now dead, after being kept unconcious for days) and transport him back to Albridge.

They meet up with Dar Gremath to discuss their run ins with the Iron Circle and the Bullywogs. Gremath thinks the army is still to thin for a full on battle with the Iron Circle so he suggests reaching out to the neighboring Woodsinger Elves for help.

The group stops at the local general store before heading out to the Woodsinger camp. They only send Caorawl in because they are afraid the owner will recognize them and question them about the disappearance of her mentally disabled child (whom they sent on a death mission). Arvo uses his magic to whisper the items they would like to purchase in Caorawls ear. The group winds up with some new weapons and trades the mule corpse for some fancy gifts to present to the Woodsingers.

They set off into the Harkwolden forest and arrive at the camp just before night fall. They plead with Eladryl, the Woodsinger leader, to aid the resistance. She is hesitant at first but decides they would be in the adventurers debt if the group was to rid the forest of an evil Necromancer that had been fucking with the Woodsingers. The group agrees.

They travel under the cover of night to the ancient standing stones. There is a group of goblins sleeping in a covered wagon when they arrive. Gunther and Laohaire sneak up and light the wagon on fire and the battle begins in a fury. The goblins were an easy task as the group burned them alive one by one, but they easily became the prey of the nocturnal tree spiders in the forest.

After killing all of the spiders, the group enters the standing stones and Arvo pours dragon’s blood all over the ancient runes and suddenly they are transported to a subterranian lair. They arrive in the middle of a room full of goblins and a couple of man-eating drakes locked in cages. The goblin leader, Snivlar, commands that the drakes be loosed upon the group and used his commanding rod to dominate Gunther. Arvo used his fountains of flame to create a barrier around the drakes so they could not be turned loose.

After defeating Snivlar and his crew, Laohaire rushes haphazardly into the next room only to fall in a 10 foot pit of spikes. The group pulls her out with some rope and they decide to try another set of doors. This time, Laohaire is more carful and taps the ground with her toe and sets off the trap. The group jumps and shimmy across, but Caorawl falls and has to pole vault from the pit.

When all 4 of them finally enter the room, it is time to battle Yisarn the Necromancer, his skeleton guards and his pet Glimmerweb Spider. The spider attacks first and blinds all 4 of the adventurers. They soon realize that they left most of their weapons in the other room and have to send Gunther back in to get them. The spider does all sorts of badass shit like biting and teleporting, but is killed pretty quickly. The skeletons were also easily dispatched by the group, but for some reason they decided to stay in once place for a long time while Caorawl took the brunt of Yisarn’s lightening damage.

CAORAWL ALMOST DIES!

THE GROUP LAUGHED AT HIS NEAR DEATH!

Gunther springs into action and drags an unconcious Caorawl to safty and injects the healing potion into his mouth (that’s what she said). The group starts to deal some serious damage to Yisarn and he begins to flee to the previous room to unleash the drakes. Caorawl, back from the land of the dead, pursues, leaps over the pit of spikes and catches him just in time to bring his greataxe down on Yisarn’s skull to end the battle.

Arvo forces the group to kill the defenseless, caged drakes because he wanted their experience points. Caorawl finds a level 5 flaming greataxe. There are also a couple sacks of gold found and sometype of gem encrused ring.

Laohaire pulls a giant lever that unlocks another door in the room and the group proceed down a long dark hallway to an exit within the forest. They begin to trip back to the Woodsinger camp…

NEXT: THE BATTLE OF ALBRIDGE IS UPON US!

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"I Don't Buy It!"
Session 3 Recap

I don t buy itThe group headed back to Albridge to buy costumes. This time they remembered to tie up the horses, but they also had the mule cart. Arvo decided to it would be quicker to have the horse pull the cart, so he knocked out the mule with a punch and Gunther picked it up and put it in the cart to transport it. They ran into Mavis Bacon on the road back.

When they reached Albridge, they visited the general store and bought new clothes and fake mustaches since they are no infamous in the area. Laoghaire also bought some marijuana. The group paid a retarded halfling man with a piece of art to drive the wagon with the severed head in it to Nazin’s castle. The halfling man asked for an autographed picture of Gunther and Gunther later stole back it from him.

The group had a successful ambush on a supply caravan in which Arvo made the bear skin rug dance around to distract the bad guys. Arvo found some magic dwarven armor in the supply caravan and they then took a much needed extended rest. When they woke at exactly noon, the cart they sent to Nazin’s castle was slowly rolling back down the road and the retarded halfling they sent on the death mission lay decapitated in the bed.

They decided the next course of action would be to confront the Bullywogs in Toadswallow Caverns. Gunther and Arvo had a tiff over if Gunther should shoot a giant mosquito with a crossbow or not. Laoghaire licked a toad and then blew weed smoke at the giant mosquitos and later stole some “magic mushrooms” from the toads. Gunther strangled some Grey Oozies with a rope and then jumped on their heads to kill them. He put the blood soaked rope back in his bag. There was a long battle with the Bullywog Cheiftan, Gloorpk in which Mavis did a lot of healing by way of group prayer. Arvo ended the battle with a magic missle while saying his new signature one-liner “I DON’T BUY IT!”. In true Caorawl fashion, the first magic missle missed and Arvo used an action point to take a second shot. He repeated the one-liner also.

After the battle Mavis found some blood gaunlets under a pile of skulls. Laoghaire, Gunther and Arvo split a treasure that included a sack of gold and gems. The group decides to camp out in Toadswallow caverns overnight…

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